The BODY

Our physical body that houses our spirit, heart and the knowing that we all come into the world with. What I find is that many people are disconnected from their physical body in some way. From not being aware of the breath and its power to not listening to the signals that it sends us on a daily basis that it is uncomfortable, in pain or needs attention...

I know this well, too well. I am one of the most physcially aware people and have been for most of my life. My mom started me in ballet at the age of 4 and I danced until I was 21. I played softball for 35 years and volleyball for 15. I have been physical most of my life and have had that strength and size to go with it. I am hyper aware of what goes on in and with my body. The piece I had to learn a hard lesson with was the knowing and listening to my heart piece... To learn that lesson my physical body was forced to get my attention in a way I never would have imagined.

In sharing the story I hope to help even just one person who may be suffering either physically or emotionally or spiritually to move forward, get the help they need or realize they are not alone. I struggled with a mystery infection for 2 years of my life. What I thought was a spider bite turned into something that took 6 months, 7 doctors (including an infection specialist), 6 needle aspirations, a mini surgery and one full on surgery, failed lab results and multiple rounds of anti-biotics to find out what I had enough to be able to treat it. A good bedside manner was almost non-existent, compassion sometimes even harder to find. After that it took over a year on high doses of meds to cure. I suffered through intense pain on a daily basis and when they finally figured it out I could barely carry on a conversation I was so riddled with infection. I was told that if I had TB it would have been easier to treat. There were and are no "knowns" with this, even my infection specialist was mainly guessing as to what brought it on. I was told by specialists, doctors and others that I didn't know what I was talking about and my observations and input were negated and discounted. I was sick, not stupid... I lived with this for 2 years and knew intimately what was happening to and inside my body every step of the way.

By the time I made it to the infection specialist I was angry and combative and wanted any new doctor to prove that they had the right to be on my "team"... He had never personally seen it in the body area that I had it and multiple times told me in my pain and continued outbreaks even on meds that he would normally just have it cut out but that would leave me deformed. I remember the only doctor I trusted and who was honest with me when I asked him for it. Early in the process he said that surgery would not necessarily cure it and indiscriminate cutting could in fact spread it. So though I was sick and not myself and feeling more vulnerable than I ever have in my life I was resolute in my stand that no cutting would happen again until and unless someone could prove to me that it would eradicate the infection. I could feel it grow, feel the next outbreak coming slowly up from the cells to the surface and the pain it brought with it. I learned to use my yoga breathing to help with the pain so I could stay away from drugs but it was something I know I will never forget.

I was not myself during this time. Most of my family and friends would tell you that I am one of the strongest people they know. I have been referred to as Superwoman, Xena and Elektra at one time or another. I am no shrinking flower of a woman, at 6 ft tall that isn't ever going to be the case.. I am also along with the physical size a mentally strong person, some would say fierce. I was during this time the "sick" person, the unsure person, weak, scared shitless and lonelier than I have ever been in my life. Unless you have been through traumatic illness you can never know what it truly does to not only your body but your mind and spirit as well. This came at a culmination in time of many things that were going on in my life, some of which I chose not to see. I think my body got to the point that it finally said if you refuse to listen to any other clues this one ought to get your attention in a very big way. Needless to say it did.....

In the end huge change has come as a result of this, some of it very hard, some of it very profound and some of it so filled with wonder I have to stop and be sure that I really pay attention. I still think I am more connected to my body than my heart at times, it is a habit, that space where I can slide into the groove of my body with yoga, dancing, sports... I don't have to think, my muscle memory takes over and the breath unites with my movement and it all just flows in the most amazing way. I lose myself in that moment and it is pure bliss. Yoga had a huge part of the healing that I did after my illness and I continued to teach my classes while I was sick. It gave me something to focus on other than myself which was a huge relief at many points in time. The yoga helped me not just on the mat but also off and I have done some of my most intense study and growth during the last year. Many times I would wish to have a break, just not have to process or deal with one more thing but just like asana practice allows for release and growth and moving through the pain so does the yoga of life off the mat. I came to a whole new place of gratitude, love, acceptance and peace. I have two new tattoos on my forearms to remind myself daily of two very important things in my life, bliss and truth. I stand tall and strong and look back on how far I have come and how far I have yet to go and know that I can move through time and space with grace and gratitude, strength and power.

So for those of you out there that maybe are not plugged in to your heart or your body right now as much as you would like I put this out to you... Do yourself a favor and spend some time with your heart and listen, truly listen. Your heart holds all the wisdom that you need and your body is the conduit. If you don't have a yoga practice I urge you to try a few classes, don't let one class or one teacher be the deciding factor for you. If you are a lapsed yogi, find your way back to the mat. I truly believe there is a style of yoga and an instructor out there for everyone. Do yourself the biggest favor and get thee to a class or a private session or a video. Yoga can and does help you plug in, breathe fully and deeply, move your body and open space. You will sleep better, feel better, think more clearly, and have light in your life.. Yoga is an equal opportunity pursuit, we all have to start somewhere. Please don't ignore what your heart and body may be telling you, the price can be large and navigating your back from the very edge can be very scary.

In parting if nothing else I offer this: Stand tall, feet about hip width apart, stack your body, knees over ankles, hips over knees, shoulders over hips, arms at your side, ball of the pelvis rolling back and down, dropping your tail down, lengthen the spine, roll the ball of the shoulders up and back, letting the shoulders move down your spine, neck extending from the shoulders, head floating on the neck, eyes looking softly off into the distance. Relax your breath all the way down into your belly, moving into a full three part breath, filling the belly, the solar plexus and then your chest and lungs. Weight even across all four corners of the soles of the feet. Now let your eyes close, feel the inner spiral of the legs energetically, starting from the feet moving up the legs like twin barber poles. As you move to the waist drawing the energy from the back of the body around to the front and have it sink into the body and move back again, spinning all the way up the torso and out the crown of the head. Fully feel your body, feet rooted and grounded into the earth, drawing up the energy from the soles all the way up the body. Feel all of your body, your breath, your heart beating, listen in closely your body and heart will tell you all you need to know. Bring your hands up to meet at your heart, taking a deep inhale, exhaling release your head forward, inhaling draw your head back up and slowly open your eyes. Take the feeling of attention with you as you move through your day, stay plugged in to what feels good and what doesn't and most importantly be open to receiving. You never know what will present itself when you are open and willing to receive.

May you know peace and joy, move in health and wellness and open your heart to the love that surrounds you.

Namaste....